Keep my eyes on Jesus......or learn to

 Family tradition for New Year’s Day was to get together at my mom’s house and she would have dinner.  Anyone that did not have anything or anywhere to go was welcome.  The more strays, the happier was my mom.  We have stuck with the tradition and I have to tell you, this New Year’s Day was really tough at times.  I got there early to help, but my stepdad had everything under control. Also though, it gave Connor time to acclimate before everyone else arrived.  He did, and as I sat in my mother’s kitchen watching him run through her house, it was hard.  I could picture her chasing him and hear her laughing and playing with him.  I was sorry for all the things that she was missing.  The things I was missing with her and the things that Connor is missing with her.  I often question God not only “Why” but His timing.  The more I question His timing though, the more I realize, there just really is no good time for Him to take one of His children home.  If it was before Connor had been born, she would have missed his birth.  If it is at age 5 and he is starting kindergarten, then he would know her and have a hole in his heart like my nieces and nephew do now.  There just really is no good time from our perspective, but I think we need to change our perspective.

 I’ve been thinking about death and life a lot lately.  Not just because of her, but also because of the Joey & Rory Feek story that has been unfolding.  Connor is only a few months behind Indiana and I put myself in Joey’s place when I think of them.  How heartbreaking it would be to finally have this beautiful child, only to be losing your life and not get the chance to raise her (him).  Everyone is watching how they handle this curve ball that has been thrown.  They are being vulnerable and letting people see their pain, but also how they live despite of it.  That is when I am reminded back to when my mother was on this earth and I hope that one day I can become the kind of Christian that she was, and I suspect that the Feeks are also.

 When my mom found out that she had cancer, she was excited that she would be going home to see Jesus.  She had to dampen her enthusiasm when my brother became upset.  When she told me, although upset, I understood her.  It is because of how she had lived that I understood how she could be happy about dying.  She knew all along that she was going to die, but she put up a good fight just for our sakes.  That is not to say that she didn’t have times of sadness about the things that she was going to miss.  She absolutely did!  We had a conversation about it.  She told me, “as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus, I’m okay, but as soon as I take my eyes off of Him.”  Those words have stayed with me.  They have haunted me and, at times, taunted me.  

 

When she found out, one of the first things she wanted to do was to sit down with each of her family members and tell them about Jesus…and she did.  Some of my family members have changed.  They are going to church and you can see the changes taking place.  Some of the others are still holding out, but I’m hoping they will eventually turn to Jesus also.  More than anything, she gave me an example of how to live, and I think others, if they were paying attention.  Just think, here is a woman that has been told that she is going to die and she is happy about it.  Let that soak in for a minute………

 How many people do you know that have received that kind of news?  How many people do you know that are doing everything they can to cling to this life?  How many of those were or are excited about dying?  I watch Christians on how they handle things.  Are they handling things in a Godly manner or are they “earthly”.  I recently spoke with a pastor and we were discussing my mother and even he admitted he wasn’t to her level.  Which I have to admit, made me feel not as bad.  Yet….as Christians we should rejoice when someone dies.  Don’t get me wrong, there are very few days that I don’t miss my mother and wish she was here with me.  Deep down though, I understand and am glad that she is home.  It is what we are should be striving for…our eternal home.

 My pastor recently preached on being a lukewarm Christian (or at least that is what I heard in between wrestling with Connor during the sermon).  I feel that I am a lukewarm Christian…..and God does not like lukewarm.  He would rather you be cold or hot, but not somewhere in the middle.  I admit, sometimes it is hard to relate to Jesus.  I have to work really hard to picture him and how he behaved and interacted with people when I read the Bible.  I think God knows and understands that.  Heck, He made me!!  I think that is why He gave me a living, breathing, shining example of as close to Jesus as you could be here on earth.  Yep, you guessed it; my mother.  I think also, Joey Feek is probably the same example for those around her.  When I think of the song “Legacy” by Nichole Nordeman, I think my mother has succeeded.  I think when she got to heaven, she heard “well done, good and faithful one.”

 I want to hear those words.  I want to continue the legacy that my mother left.  I want for my son to grow up and know Jesus and for him to continue the legacy.  I want people to know that I am a Christian by how I live, not by me posting some meme on Facebook or wearing a cross necklace.  More than anything I want to learn to keep my eyes on Jesus.  I think, that if you can do that, then you can do and survive anything.  And you can be happy about dying.  Even if you don’t have some disease with a time limit, we are all dying a little each and every day.  IF we say we are Christians and believe we are Christians, then we need to act like Christians.  We need to be examples for other Christians that are not strong in their faith, or for ones that are stumbling around lost.  I need to do better.  Period.  End of story.  My eternal home is there, I just need to choose the correct path.  

 I just need to learn to keep my eyes on Jesus.  It is a hard, hard  thing for me to do, but I need to keep trying.