Keep my eyes on Jesus......or learn to

 Family tradition for New Year’s Day was to get together at my mom’s house and she would have dinner.  Anyone that did not have anything or anywhere to go was welcome.  The more strays, the happier was my mom.  We have stuck with the tradition and I have to tell you, this New Year’s Day was really tough at times.  I got there early to help, but my stepdad had everything under control. Also though, it gave Connor time to acclimate before everyone else arrived.  He did, and as I sat in my mother’s kitchen watching him run through her house, it was hard.  I could picture her chasing him and hear her laughing and playing with him.  I was sorry for all the things that she was missing.  The things I was missing with her and the things that Connor is missing with her.  I often question God not only “Why” but His timing.  The more I question His timing though, the more I realize, there just really is no good time for Him to take one of His children home.  If it was before Connor had been born, she would have missed his birth.  If it is at age 5 and he is starting kindergarten, then he would know her and have a hole in his heart like my nieces and nephew do now.  There just really is no good time from our perspective, but I think we need to change our perspective.

 I’ve been thinking about death and life a lot lately.  Not just because of her, but also because of the Joey & Rory Feek story that has been unfolding.  Connor is only a few months behind Indiana and I put myself in Joey’s place when I think of them.  How heartbreaking it would be to finally have this beautiful child, only to be losing your life and not get the chance to raise her (him).  Everyone is watching how they handle this curve ball that has been thrown.  They are being vulnerable and letting people see their pain, but also how they live despite of it.  That is when I am reminded back to when my mother was on this earth and I hope that one day I can become the kind of Christian that she was, and I suspect that the Feeks are also.

 When my mom found out that she had cancer, she was excited that she would be going home to see Jesus.  She had to dampen her enthusiasm when my brother became upset.  When she told me, although upset, I understood her.  It is because of how she had lived that I understood how she could be happy about dying.  She knew all along that she was going to die, but she put up a good fight just for our sakes.  That is not to say that she didn’t have times of sadness about the things that she was going to miss.  She absolutely did!  We had a conversation about it.  She told me, “as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus, I’m okay, but as soon as I take my eyes off of Him.”  Those words have stayed with me.  They have haunted me and, at times, taunted me.  

 

When she found out, one of the first things she wanted to do was to sit down with each of her family members and tell them about Jesus…and she did.  Some of my family members have changed.  They are going to church and you can see the changes taking place.  Some of the others are still holding out, but I’m hoping they will eventually turn to Jesus also.  More than anything, she gave me an example of how to live, and I think others, if they were paying attention.  Just think, here is a woman that has been told that she is going to die and she is happy about it.  Let that soak in for a minute………

 How many people do you know that have received that kind of news?  How many people do you know that are doing everything they can to cling to this life?  How many of those were or are excited about dying?  I watch Christians on how they handle things.  Are they handling things in a Godly manner or are they “earthly”.  I recently spoke with a pastor and we were discussing my mother and even he admitted he wasn’t to her level.  Which I have to admit, made me feel not as bad.  Yet….as Christians we should rejoice when someone dies.  Don’t get me wrong, there are very few days that I don’t miss my mother and wish she was here with me.  Deep down though, I understand and am glad that she is home.  It is what we are should be striving for…our eternal home.

 My pastor recently preached on being a lukewarm Christian (or at least that is what I heard in between wrestling with Connor during the sermon).  I feel that I am a lukewarm Christian…..and God does not like lukewarm.  He would rather you be cold or hot, but not somewhere in the middle.  I admit, sometimes it is hard to relate to Jesus.  I have to work really hard to picture him and how he behaved and interacted with people when I read the Bible.  I think God knows and understands that.  Heck, He made me!!  I think that is why He gave me a living, breathing, shining example of as close to Jesus as you could be here on earth.  Yep, you guessed it; my mother.  I think also, Joey Feek is probably the same example for those around her.  When I think of the song “Legacy” by Nichole Nordeman, I think my mother has succeeded.  I think when she got to heaven, she heard “well done, good and faithful one.”

 I want to hear those words.  I want to continue the legacy that my mother left.  I want for my son to grow up and know Jesus and for him to continue the legacy.  I want people to know that I am a Christian by how I live, not by me posting some meme on Facebook or wearing a cross necklace.  More than anything I want to learn to keep my eyes on Jesus.  I think, that if you can do that, then you can do and survive anything.  And you can be happy about dying.  Even if you don’t have some disease with a time limit, we are all dying a little each and every day.  IF we say we are Christians and believe we are Christians, then we need to act like Christians.  We need to be examples for other Christians that are not strong in their faith, or for ones that are stumbling around lost.  I need to do better.  Period.  End of story.  My eternal home is there, I just need to choose the correct path.  

 I just need to learn to keep my eyes on Jesus.  It is a hard, hard  thing for me to do, but I need to keep trying.

Trained up.....or not....

I didn't become a Christian until I was 30.  I wasn't raised up in church per se.  I knew three things about church, or God.

1.        1.  Vacation Bible school has the best lemonade and cookies.  I don’t remember who would take us to VBS, maybe my mamaw, and I don’t remember any of the lessons.  I just remember the lemonade and cookies.

2.      2.   I don’t particularly like going to Catholic churches.  All that sit, stand, kneel, stand, sit feels more like a gym class than church.  Of course, the resentment of having to go was probably more toward my step mother making me go than the church itself.

3.       3.  In sixth grade, a friend in class wanted to a Bible study with me.  She was a pastor’s daughter after all, so why not.  She started out in Revelations.  I spent the whole summer that year waiting for Jesus to come back and the world to end.  I vividly recall sitting outside by myself while my mom was at work, wondering is this the day the world ends.  It was a great summer, let me tell ya.

  So as you can see, I didn't have a good background to grow up as a Christian.  I was not “trained up” in the ways that I should go.  In the 90’s though, my mom became a Christian.  In ’93, the year I graduated, she moved to Indiana and for all I could see was that she wasn't the same momma I grew up with.  I couldn't relate to her.  She had changed and at times it was hard to be around her.  I didn't understand what was happening to her, but I wasn't about to let it happen to me.  Don’t worry though, I was a good daughter and did the typical CEO thing (Christmas, Easter Only- well, and Mother’s Day too).  Other than that I avoided her church, except when I got married.  I’m not sure why I wanted a church wedding.  I guess I’m old fashioned like that, but my mom’s pastor agreed to allow us to marry and performed the ceremony (and for that I am forever grateful, but I will touch on that at another time).

  My mom didn't give up though.  She tried to talk to me about Jesus.  She invited me to church.  She always prayed for me.  But most of all, she never gave up.  In the meantime, I began wondering and watching the change in her life.  She was my mother after all and besides all the Jesus and church talk, she was still fun.  She still laughed and loved.  I wasn't going to church though until I knew more about the Bible.  I’m kind of stubborn like that.

  One morning I was in Wal-Mart checking out the books because I love to read, especially the Harlequin romance books.  A book on the shelf caught my eye.  “How To Study the Bible for Yourself”  I picked it up and flipped through it, sat it back down, then picked it back up and marched to the register and bought it.  I took it home and read through the first chapter of it.  It didn't have you read the Bible starting in Genesis or in the New Testament, but you started with 1^st John; and then proceeded to read it seven times.  So I did and then I proceeded to follow the plan it had laid out for me to read the entire Bible.  And I did.  And I love the Old Testament, but I have to say, when I found out that Samson and Delilah wasn't this great love story, I was a little crushed.  See, I told you, I knew nothing about the Bible or God.  After reading through the Bible, I sat about finding a church.  I visited a couple until I finally settled on one similar to my mom’s, but big enough for me to blend in if I needed to bolt out the doors sometime.

  That didn't happen and I became immersed in this large church.  I attended Sunday school class, taught two year olds, helped out with VBS, the senior ministry, missions, and even landscaping.  My Sunday school teacher was a former wild child and would tell about coming to church the next morning after partying the night before and how he eventually changed.  Now he is a great worship minister in a church in Virginia Beach.  I related to him though.  I didn't relate to the ones that had been brought up in church, or should I say “trained up in the ways that they should go”.  That was never more noticeable than when one of them picked up their 2 year olds a little early and informed me that I was doing the wrong hand gestures in leading a children’s song.  I believe it was the “Father Abraham” song.  I left church that morning utterly defeated.  That’s probably why I am a little mistrustful of those that were trained up in the ways, like the pastor’s daughter that started off teaching me Revelations in the sixth grade.  Thankfully, my mother’s best friend and her pastor’s wife advised against doing a Bible study with this lady because of her tendency to be legalistic.  I’d say, if she can pick on me for not doing the right hand gestures during a kid’s song, imagine what kind of Bible study it could be.  Good call Deanna- thank you!

  When I was 30, which I always thought was kind of special because that is when Jesus fulfilled His calling; I gave my life to Him.  I don’t remember the exact day.  In fact, I remember not even being in church when I did so, but I do remember going up in front of my church so I could get baptized.  And I did that also.

  Now has it been an easy road…no.  Have I faltered…yes, many, many times.  I was mad at him for 6 months after we had to put our handicapped dog down (that’s a whole other story too).  Was it hard after the miscarriage when I felt so sure He had spoken that baby into existence last year….yes.  Is it hard now watching my mom deal with cancer while wondering if she is going to live long enough to see her grand baby be born…absolutely!  Is it the best decision I have ever made in my life…no doubt about it!

 

  I look at how it turned out now and am thankful that my mom began to break the curse.  My brother is raising Godly children and I plan to do the same.  I’m very grateful that the curse is being broken in our immediate family.

  So, even if you were not trained up in the ways of the Lord, or maybe you were and turned your back on Him, it is never too late to turn to Him.  Just as long as you do.  It will be the most difficult, rewarding, questionable, joyful, oh my gosh Lord what are you doing now thing you will ever do.